Good afternoon readers. Here it is a Saturday afternoon. I should be out enjoying a date, ke-keying with my friends, shopping or living it up. But today I find myself truly depressed. For those girls who think T.I is their husband we all know he was sentenced on Friday to a year and a day due to that tiny weapons charge (damn bastards!). He has a show on MTV and on the last episode he reflected back on his life and what got him into his current predicament.
That led me to reflect back on my life and how it is that I find myself a sex addict attracted to guys. My strongest idea so far is that I grew up in a fatherless household. My parents were not married at my birth. At that time they were 20 and 21 years old. When I was 3 they moved in together. They were married when I was 6 and divorced by age 8. They fought constantly and only enjoyed their afterwork drinks that would turn into fights by bedtime. So, I had my father in my life for about 5 years but still never spent time with the guy. He worked constantly and had a daugher by a different woman 10 months after I was born. His money was stretched thin constanly causing tension in our little household. After the divorce my mother and I spent 2 years going from place to place, staying with different friends and family members, whoever would take us in.
Now I know there are countless others out there who grew up in a man-less household and turned out to be straight. But for me, I had no example to draw upon and I was one of those children where you always had to show me for me to learn it. There were other boys in the neighborhoods we lived in but my mother kept me away from them. She deeply beleived in education and when I got out of school I was to be reading a newspaper, a book, or doing homework. She enrolled me in after school programs and the such. Anything to keep me busy and out of trouble. I rarely got the chance to go outside and socialize with other boys. I was with my mother or family. I have 2 unlces on my mother's side. My oldest uncle had his own family to support so I never spent time with him. My other uncle was a die hard crack addict and alcoholic. When he wasn't locked up he was too out of it to spend time with me.
With the help of my grandparents my mother slowly pulled it together. She worked constantly making around $200 a week as a seamstress. So that left me in the care of her parents. I am their oldest grandson and third grandchild. My older cousin Tasha (1 year older) spent alot of time there and my cousin Nikki (3 years younger) was there too. My cousin Tiffany (5 years older) was in and out of that household too. That's who I played with. We jumped rope, played together, slept together, etc. We were like brother and sisters instead of cousins. I am sure thats where I picked up my feminine ways. Hell, thats all I was around, thats all I knew. My grandfather still worked so he was gone. He came home for dinner and then went to sleep or went to gamble. Still, no positive male impact on my life. I have male cousins but they are much younger than me. Al is 7 years my junior, Wesley and Nemar are both 18 years my junior. My cousin Tasha left for Boston after the 1st grade leaving me and Nikki. She and I were inseparable. If you saw her, most likely you saw me. It was like that until I went off to college. By third grade I was being called sissy. It probably didn't help that my mother began putting S-curls in my hair that same year. The way I walk is something I feel I have no control over, the way I talk, my mannerisms are all deeply embedded and what make me, well me.
Another reason I think I ended up like this is because of my size. For the most part of my life I have been physically small. I've been a skinny lil thing for a long time. Because of that I stayed away from sports. They just did not interest me at all. Thats so ironic. My mother has all kinds of softball trophies and my dad was a star high school basketball player. Their only son did not play one single sport. Puberty hit in the 9th grade. When I started that school year I weighed 95lbs. By the end of that year I was up to 145. That was also the year I had my first crush on a boy (damn hormones!!). His name was Bobby. He was tall, about 6 feet, bright skinned, always smelled good and athletic. He played baseball, basketball and was a drummer in the school band. I followed this boy religiously. He was very popular and had all the girls and pussy he wanted. I bought Starburst candy for him, carried his books, tutored him, gave him money. I was at his beck and call. He is the reason I am sure that tall athletic men can always get it, lol. He was a real dresser. He always had the best clothes, labels. His father had a BMW that he let Bobby drive once he got a license. I was so into him. He gave me an opportunity once to get with him sexually and as much as I wanted to I chickened out. I still beat off to that boy today, lol
My weight didn't stay that way for long. By the end of 10th grade I was down to 120lbs. My weight settled out at 125lbs for a while. Right now at the age of 28, I am 129.6lbs, 5'9" and no matter what I eat, I don't gain a pound. And no bitches I do not have HIV. I check that every 3 months religiously.
So as I reflect, I came to the conclusion that because of no male impact on my upbringing I grew up lost. I attached to the first thing that showed me love and attention, females. I stayed around them, did what they did, talked about what they talked about, liked what they liked. Yeah I know how to change a tire, unclog a toilet, mow a lawn, change a lightbulb, change oil in a car but I gravitate more to fashion, what hair styles looks best, what heels look best, what shade of lipstick is best, who gives the best manicure. Those things make me happy. Also because of no male influence I find myself constantly chasing men, looking for attention from them. I've made myself a whore to their every need, just like I did for Bobby all those years ago. I am trying to fill an unfillable hole.
To this day I have a shaky relationship with both my parents. I am closest to my grandmother. My grandfather has passed. My cousin Nikki and I were inseparable up until last July but thats a story for another post. My father tried to re-enter my life at age 17 but too much time had passed.
I've had girlfriends before, had sex with girls and all that stuff but it just never felt right, never did it for me. I've lived with a girl for 3 years and have even been engaged once. After sex I would be nauseous, spend an hour in the shower, become highly depressed and unfulfilled. Yeah I could get it up, sex her, make sure she enjoyed it, bust a nut but it never gave me that feeling of ectasy. I was alway thinking when will this be over. I didn't wanna be touched afterwards. I moved 13 hours from my family to be free of that burden and to not cause embarrassment to them. I love men, love sucking dick and there is nothing I can do about that. I am tired of fighting it.
I would give the entire left side of my body to be totally straight, not bisexual, not gay, not curious, but straight. I am my mother's only son and only child. I want to give her grandchildren. I want my family to be proud of me.
All in all, this wasn't something I chose, its something that chose me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment